"Harry, keep the change."

It's been years since I created this blog. Red is older, Popcorn is a juggernaut, and we have 1 new one, Spark, and one on the way. We're finally graduated and looking for a job. We are also looking at a sudden move. And we just found out that our beautiful Red does not just have the ADHD we suspected of her. I think this blog will be a somewhat anonymous way to write my fears and struggles as we head into a life that is different than what I had planned. I plan to be horribly self-indulgent in this one thing to hopefully keep all this from spilling out in 'real life'. You've been warned.

It was a blustery day today, the wind even blew down my hanging tomato plant. Somehow this all seemed appropriate to my increasingly worsening mood. My body hurt from my bad back and my fibromyalgia and I had jam fixings going bad. My husband also left the cooking for dinner to me after offering to take care of it and let the kids watch cartoons for the umpteenth time. And on top of it all, the reality of the trip to the neuro-whatchamacallit doctor was sinking in.

Now, it isn't a terribly horrible diagnosis. I know that there are so many other things that could be wrong with a child. We're lucky. However, not expecting it, a diagnosis of General Executive Dysfunction still created a range of emotions, for me at least. Surprise at first. But what the doctor was describing were all symptoms we had noticed and commented on between ourselves. This just put a label on what already existed. Then confusion set in. How on earth do you take EF and practically deal with that in homeschooling? Or parenting, for that matter? Do I really want her involved in psycho-social rehabilitation? Isn't that just for trouble kids?
Today the confusion deepened into grief and shock. Today none of the logical statements give any comfort. I can tell myself that this is a little disability in the scheme of things. That she is still the child I've always known and loved. Ad nauseam.

But I guess I'm dealing with my ideas of my daughter and our/her future being turned upside down by the EF diagnosis. This is no longer just ADHD. If it was just that, I could handle it. My husband and I both have ADHD ourselves. But EF is completely outside of my experience. It requires IEPs if she goes into public school, we have to go for more testing, and it's just a big, fat unknown.

I am struggling to not see my daughter differently. I don't want to. But knowing the difference does make a difference. And I need to work this out so I can be the mother she, and Popcorn & Spark, need.

Right now,
I'm grieving.
And I'm not even sure for what.



"A smile seemed to come her slowly...it was a sad smile, just the same..."